Dear Best Friend,
It's time to ring in a new year. 2011 already. I can't believe how fast the years are going. How did you spend your new years eve? Probably having or attending a party. You are such a social person. I spent mine at home watching movies with my boys, and my husband slept on the couch. I did wake him about 3 minutes before the new year so he could have a sparkling cider with me. My youngest son was very excited and was dancing all around the living room. Oh how I would like to harness that energy!
I tried to call my oldest son, but he fell asleep really early, so I didn't get to talk to him. I'm glad he was finally sleeping even if I am a little sad I didn't get to wish him a happy new year. Maybe we will go and visit him tonight.
The current plan for my oldest is that he will go to a new residential treatment center on Tuesday. I feel good about that choice. I talked to the hospital about my concerns with our insurance not allowing him to stay long enough to get better and they said they will do what they can from their end. I know the clinicians have a lot more weight when it comes to that, than we do as his parents. All I really want is for my boy to get better, be confident in himself and feel good about life. If that takes months, then it takes months, and I really hope our insurance company will cooperate with that this time around. I fear what will happen to him if they don't. I don't even want to think about that.
I'm working on cleaning up the Christmas decorations today. I think most of it is put away but now the hard part, which is getting it up in the attic. If I had steps for that attic it wouldn't be such a problem but I have to climb up a ladder and it's hard for me to pull myself up into the space. I'm hoping I can get my husband to do that part. Right now he's working on another project, which he's been working on for 5 months now. I'd like to see him finish it and don't really want to bother him right now.
I took the youngest two kids to Olive Garden today for lunch. I didn't want them to feel left out, since we took the oldest kids a couple week ago. It was nice and we left completely stuffed. The last time I took my youngest there, he threw a fit about his food, wouldn't sit still, fell off of his chair and hit his head. This time he sat there and ate his food. He's growing up.
I have a new student starting in preschool next week! I'm sure the kids will enjoy having a new friend in class. Her mom is going to give me voice lessons for part of the tuition. I've wanted to take voice lessons for many years and I'm excited about the opportunity. I love having a business of my own where I can trade services. It has given me opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise.
I'm thinking of you today and hope your 2011 is full of wonderful things.
Love, Your Best Friend
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Late Night Thoughts
Dear Best Friend,
Sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't really care about how I feel. I know it's not actually true, but still. I'm having a hard time sleeping, eating, doing just about anything and yet his life just went on. I get that my son isn't his biological son and therefore his feelings aren't the same as mine. I also understand that we deal with stress and hard times in different ways. But I need his support right now and I need him to get that I'm having a hard time. My hard time should matter to him, shouldn't it?
For instance, he came home at lunch time and I was still in bed. I told him that I was having a hard time getting up but that I did help my youngest son to take a bath. His response was: "Did you make sure that he didn't get water all over the floor?" and proceded to go into the bathroom to check the floor next to the tub. Really? That's what he got from my sentence?
It's times like this when I miss the easiness of our communication. I know it's not fair to think that way. I only wish that it was an easy to talk to him as it was to talk to you.
I didn't hear from my oldest son today. I called and left a message for him to call back, but he didn't. I guess he is mad at me. I don't have the strength to fight with him. Tomorrow I would like to visit with him and I'm planning to drop off some clean clothes. I hope we can have a good visit together and talk about his feelings and concerns.
The place he is in right now doesn't want to keep him. They don't feel like they can really help him and want him to go to another more permanent facility with the intent that he can get more of a definate diagnosis. Right now I don't know what to do. I want him to come home, but I fear for his safety. I hope that answers will come and I will know what is best for him.
And if life wasn't crazy enough, my youngest fell and hurt his ankle yesterday. It was still bothering him today so I took him for x-rays. It's okay, just sore, and they gave him a brace to help support his ankle while it heals. I'm sure our insurance company hates us.
It's very late so I am going to try to get some sleep. I hope I can relax enough to rest.
- Your Best Friend
Sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't really care about how I feel. I know it's not actually true, but still. I'm having a hard time sleeping, eating, doing just about anything and yet his life just went on. I get that my son isn't his biological son and therefore his feelings aren't the same as mine. I also understand that we deal with stress and hard times in different ways. But I need his support right now and I need him to get that I'm having a hard time. My hard time should matter to him, shouldn't it?
For instance, he came home at lunch time and I was still in bed. I told him that I was having a hard time getting up but that I did help my youngest son to take a bath. His response was: "Did you make sure that he didn't get water all over the floor?" and proceded to go into the bathroom to check the floor next to the tub. Really? That's what he got from my sentence?
It's times like this when I miss the easiness of our communication. I know it's not fair to think that way. I only wish that it was an easy to talk to him as it was to talk to you.
I didn't hear from my oldest son today. I called and left a message for him to call back, but he didn't. I guess he is mad at me. I don't have the strength to fight with him. Tomorrow I would like to visit with him and I'm planning to drop off some clean clothes. I hope we can have a good visit together and talk about his feelings and concerns.
The place he is in right now doesn't want to keep him. They don't feel like they can really help him and want him to go to another more permanent facility with the intent that he can get more of a definate diagnosis. Right now I don't know what to do. I want him to come home, but I fear for his safety. I hope that answers will come and I will know what is best for him.
And if life wasn't crazy enough, my youngest fell and hurt his ankle yesterday. It was still bothering him today so I took him for x-rays. It's okay, just sore, and they gave him a brace to help support his ankle while it heals. I'm sure our insurance company hates us.
It's very late so I am going to try to get some sleep. I hope I can relax enough to rest.
- Your Best Friend
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Out of Hospital and Exhausted
Dear Best Friend,
My son is out of the hospital as of yesterday afternoon and checked into a psychiatric facility for a few days of inpatient care. He was very upset about going there and begged and begged me not to sign the paperwork. I tried to explain to him that it was in his best interest for me to sign the paper, because if I check him in, I also have the ability to check him back out. If I don't sign it, they will force him in and then I have no control over how long he is there. He cried and pleaded, he promised he would talk to me about his feelings, that he would stay by my side so I could watch him and even said he would clean the whole house. Anything to not have to go there. Once he realized I had signed him in, you could see the fight go out of him. I was so heart broken watching that. I don't want him to give up on himself. If he doesn't put in the effort to get out of there, I won't be able to bring him home very soon.
I'm planning to go visit him today. I hope he will have had a good night and a good day, enough that he will realize he needs the break from life to clear him mind and finish the physical healing. I also hope he has forgiven me. I hope he understands that I did it because I love him so much.
I had a hard time relaxing enough to sleep last night but once I finally did, I slept hard. It's already noon and I haven't gotten out of bed. Well, I did take the dog out and I also helped my youngest son to take a bath, but other than that, I've been in bed. I feel so exhausted in every way. The house is a wreck, we haven't had anything to eat, we need to go to the store... and still I would rather pull the covers back up and go back to sleep. I need to get my act together soon.
Love,
Your Best Friend
My son is out of the hospital as of yesterday afternoon and checked into a psychiatric facility for a few days of inpatient care. He was very upset about going there and begged and begged me not to sign the paperwork. I tried to explain to him that it was in his best interest for me to sign the paper, because if I check him in, I also have the ability to check him back out. If I don't sign it, they will force him in and then I have no control over how long he is there. He cried and pleaded, he promised he would talk to me about his feelings, that he would stay by my side so I could watch him and even said he would clean the whole house. Anything to not have to go there. Once he realized I had signed him in, you could see the fight go out of him. I was so heart broken watching that. I don't want him to give up on himself. If he doesn't put in the effort to get out of there, I won't be able to bring him home very soon.
I'm planning to go visit him today. I hope he will have had a good night and a good day, enough that he will realize he needs the break from life to clear him mind and finish the physical healing. I also hope he has forgiven me. I hope he understands that I did it because I love him so much.
I had a hard time relaxing enough to sleep last night but once I finally did, I slept hard. It's already noon and I haven't gotten out of bed. Well, I did take the dog out and I also helped my youngest son to take a bath, but other than that, I've been in bed. I feel so exhausted in every way. The house is a wreck, we haven't had anything to eat, we need to go to the store... and still I would rather pull the covers back up and go back to sleep. I need to get my act together soon.
Love,
Your Best Friend
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christmas at the Hospital
Dear Best Friend,
This past week has found me at a new low. My oldest son has been struggling with depression for several months and we thought he was finally doing better. We are still unsure the exact reason for this, but he overdosed on ALL of his prescription meds this week, about 3 weeks worth. He is going to be okay, which is a huge relief. Still, finding him drugged out on Wednesday was a shock like no other and I was in a massive panic fearful that he was going to die. It's not a day I would ever relive.
He spent the next several days halucinating, crying, trying to get out of bed, pulling out his IV among other things. He never slept and he required constant care with someone at his side. I was with him for at least 12 hours every day, sometimes longer and came home to sleep for a few hours, shower, dress and go right back.
After three and a half days he finally gave up and fell asleep. So, I spent Christmas sitting at my son's side thankful that he was finally giving his body a much needed rest. He slept deep for 8 hours and when he woke up, he was finally able to start communicating. I was so happy to have my boy back. That was my Christmas blessing.
His memory was very fuzzy and he he asked me the same questions over and over again. I know he was still seeing things too but this time he was able to recognize that he was and was fighting it. After four hours of us talking and me answering his questions, he was really tired again. He asked me if I would snuggle him, so I did my best to in that hospital bed and he went back to sleep for the rest of the night.
I finally came home at nearly 4 am the day after Christmas and got some much needed rest. Today, his dad is supposed to go and visit him, so he can have Christmas with his brothers. I'm glad to have some relief from being in the hospital, even though I miss my son and worry about how he is doing constantly.
It was important to me that I get my son's bedroom cleaned up, to fill the stockings for the other kids and to try to make a Christmas for the rest of us, even if it will be a couple of days late. The house has been neglected for the last 5 days and prior to that I was decorating for the holiday, so saying it's a mess is putting it lightly.
Another blessing I can't forget is all the support we have had from friends at church. The day that this happened we had seven different people in the ER with us, asking what they could do to help, giving hugs and offering support. They have brought in meals to my husband and step daughter, made phone calls, one came to the hospital and had lunch with me in the room, and they prayed for us. I don't know what I would have done without all of that love. It's amazing to know that we are cared about and people are willing to come rushing to our side when we need help, no matter that it's Christmas. I hope that they are blessed ten fold.
It feels good to finally write to you and let some of my feelings out. I've been staying strong not only this week, but for the last 4 months as we've dealt with the depression. I've cried only a little and I know the rush of emotions are just waiting to be released.
Thank you for listening.
Love, Your Best Friend
This past week has found me at a new low. My oldest son has been struggling with depression for several months and we thought he was finally doing better. We are still unsure the exact reason for this, but he overdosed on ALL of his prescription meds this week, about 3 weeks worth. He is going to be okay, which is a huge relief. Still, finding him drugged out on Wednesday was a shock like no other and I was in a massive panic fearful that he was going to die. It's not a day I would ever relive.
He spent the next several days halucinating, crying, trying to get out of bed, pulling out his IV among other things. He never slept and he required constant care with someone at his side. I was with him for at least 12 hours every day, sometimes longer and came home to sleep for a few hours, shower, dress and go right back.
After three and a half days he finally gave up and fell asleep. So, I spent Christmas sitting at my son's side thankful that he was finally giving his body a much needed rest. He slept deep for 8 hours and when he woke up, he was finally able to start communicating. I was so happy to have my boy back. That was my Christmas blessing.
His memory was very fuzzy and he he asked me the same questions over and over again. I know he was still seeing things too but this time he was able to recognize that he was and was fighting it. After four hours of us talking and me answering his questions, he was really tired again. He asked me if I would snuggle him, so I did my best to in that hospital bed and he went back to sleep for the rest of the night.
I finally came home at nearly 4 am the day after Christmas and got some much needed rest. Today, his dad is supposed to go and visit him, so he can have Christmas with his brothers. I'm glad to have some relief from being in the hospital, even though I miss my son and worry about how he is doing constantly.
It was important to me that I get my son's bedroom cleaned up, to fill the stockings for the other kids and to try to make a Christmas for the rest of us, even if it will be a couple of days late. The house has been neglected for the last 5 days and prior to that I was decorating for the holiday, so saying it's a mess is putting it lightly.
Another blessing I can't forget is all the support we have had from friends at church. The day that this happened we had seven different people in the ER with us, asking what they could do to help, giving hugs and offering support. They have brought in meals to my husband and step daughter, made phone calls, one came to the hospital and had lunch with me in the room, and they prayed for us. I don't know what I would have done without all of that love. It's amazing to know that we are cared about and people are willing to come rushing to our side when we need help, no matter that it's Christmas. I hope that they are blessed ten fold.
It feels good to finally write to you and let some of my feelings out. I've been staying strong not only this week, but for the last 4 months as we've dealt with the depression. I've cried only a little and I know the rush of emotions are just waiting to be released.
Thank you for listening.
Love, Your Best Friend
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Stepchildren - a mixed bag
Dear Best Friend,
My husband's kids are here for this week, during the holiday break. They have spent some time with their grandparents as well as with us. Today they were with us and we took them to eat at Olive Garden for lunch. Now, that might sound like nothing, but our finances are REALLY tight right now, so this was a very big deal. We actually used a gift card my husband received from his birthday because otherwise we never could have afforded it.
Lunch was pleasant and I mostly kept to myself, as I have some serious issues with one of my stepkids. Still, overall I had a nice time and I was glad we took them out to eat.
After lunch I ran a few errands and when I returned home I heard one of my stepkids talking to my husband, saying things about me being abusive, physically and emotionally, and wanting to go home. This actually made me very upset but instead I allowed my husband to deal with it and I went to the garage to look for the Christmas tree stand. While I was in the garage I decided it would be a good idea to go shopping for a while and get out of the house, rather than cause any problems.
After I went shopping my husband told me that one of the kids went home. I just said "Oh, that's too bad". I don't think my husband knows I heard part of their conversation and he didn't say anything to me about anything, so I felt it was best to leave it alone.
However, I'm kind of ticked off. Not that the teenager went home but because of the constant accusations and defaming of my character. It's really getting old and I'm rather irritated by the whole thing. I get that this child is upset with me and has been for several years (this last year especially), but I have gone to great lengths to apologize, I attempted for us to resolve our issues in counseling and during the few moments I have been around this child, I have been nothing but pleasant and polite. I would really appreciate my name not continue to be tarnished. You don't want to be here, fine, but stop making me the scapegoat for it.
I love my husband and I want him to have a relationship with his kids. I would like to have a relationship with them as well. But being a stepparent is really hard sometimes and it seems that I am the "bad guy" for doing nothing more than loving their dad and being around. That seems kind of unfair. I thought maybe it would get better as time went on, but not so far. I actually think as the teen years continue it's worse.
How are you doing as a step parent? All of your kids live with you, and you don't have ex's to deal with... it's not exactly the same situation as mine, but still it must be hard. You're not their dad and your wife isn't your kids' mom. Do you feel like it's hard sometimes? Do you feel like you are a family or do you have the "his and hers" situation?
Love,
Your Best Friend
My husband's kids are here for this week, during the holiday break. They have spent some time with their grandparents as well as with us. Today they were with us and we took them to eat at Olive Garden for lunch. Now, that might sound like nothing, but our finances are REALLY tight right now, so this was a very big deal. We actually used a gift card my husband received from his birthday because otherwise we never could have afforded it.
Lunch was pleasant and I mostly kept to myself, as I have some serious issues with one of my stepkids. Still, overall I had a nice time and I was glad we took them out to eat.
After lunch I ran a few errands and when I returned home I heard one of my stepkids talking to my husband, saying things about me being abusive, physically and emotionally, and wanting to go home. This actually made me very upset but instead I allowed my husband to deal with it and I went to the garage to look for the Christmas tree stand. While I was in the garage I decided it would be a good idea to go shopping for a while and get out of the house, rather than cause any problems.
After I went shopping my husband told me that one of the kids went home. I just said "Oh, that's too bad". I don't think my husband knows I heard part of their conversation and he didn't say anything to me about anything, so I felt it was best to leave it alone.
However, I'm kind of ticked off. Not that the teenager went home but because of the constant accusations and defaming of my character. It's really getting old and I'm rather irritated by the whole thing. I get that this child is upset with me and has been for several years (this last year especially), but I have gone to great lengths to apologize, I attempted for us to resolve our issues in counseling and during the few moments I have been around this child, I have been nothing but pleasant and polite. I would really appreciate my name not continue to be tarnished. You don't want to be here, fine, but stop making me the scapegoat for it.
I love my husband and I want him to have a relationship with his kids. I would like to have a relationship with them as well. But being a stepparent is really hard sometimes and it seems that I am the "bad guy" for doing nothing more than loving their dad and being around. That seems kind of unfair. I thought maybe it would get better as time went on, but not so far. I actually think as the teen years continue it's worse.
How are you doing as a step parent? All of your kids live with you, and you don't have ex's to deal with... it's not exactly the same situation as mine, but still it must be hard. You're not their dad and your wife isn't your kids' mom. Do you feel like it's hard sometimes? Do you feel like you are a family or do you have the "his and hers" situation?
Love,
Your Best Friend
Monday, December 20, 2010
Emotions
Dear Best Friend,
Last night I finally broke down and cried, for hours. I've had so much emotion building inside and I've been trying to stay strong and not let it show. But it just came pouring out and I couldn't stop. I finally went to sleep around 6:00am this morning and woke up at 10:00 crying again.
My husband had moments of understanding and then moments where he made it all worse. I know he doesn't want me to cry but he is lost when it comes to being close to me when I am having an emotional time. I think he finally got it around noon and I'm starting to recover.
I guess it's good that when I finally give into myself, it comes out as tears, rather than anger or other destructive behaviors. Tears don't typically leave a path of destruction behind them.
I really want to have a better and more productive week. It's Christmastime right? A time of joy! I need to find the joy.
-Your Best Friend
Last night I finally broke down and cried, for hours. I've had so much emotion building inside and I've been trying to stay strong and not let it show. But it just came pouring out and I couldn't stop. I finally went to sleep around 6:00am this morning and woke up at 10:00 crying again.
My husband had moments of understanding and then moments where he made it all worse. I know he doesn't want me to cry but he is lost when it comes to being close to me when I am having an emotional time. I think he finally got it around noon and I'm starting to recover.
I guess it's good that when I finally give into myself, it comes out as tears, rather than anger or other destructive behaviors. Tears don't typically leave a path of destruction behind them.
I really want to have a better and more productive week. It's Christmastime right? A time of joy! I need to find the joy.
-Your Best Friend
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Life Today
Dear Best Friend,
Today at church we had a lesson about the true meaning of the Sabbath Day. I enjoyed it very much and can always use a reminder that today is a special day for rest and the Lord. I came away with a renewed feeling of giving myself a break on Sunday and allowing time to strengthen my relationship with God. I do fairly good at it usually but there is always room for improvement.
When we got home from church, my husband announced that he was going to the store to buy nails.... I just don't get it. It's like we didn't even attend the same meeting. Just another way that we are so totally incompatible.
I'm listening to a Christmas cd you made for me many years ago. The mix of different styles is so great. Just exactly the kind of mix I love. Sometimes I think I'm a little weird for loving music of many different styles and I kind of wish there was a radio station that would play that kind of huge range. It would be so cool to hear Sinatra, then Rascal Flatts, followed with Madona and then Black Eyed Peas. lol I'm not sure if there are enough people out there who would appreciate that, but it would be my favorite station!
I also realize you added a country Christmas song to the cd which had to have killed you, since I know how much you HATE country. But sure does show me how much attention you put into the cd. I wish I had better appreciated it back then. Live and learn I guess.
Did you decorate your house to the hilt this year? I know how much you love to go all out at Christmas. I don't have many decorations out. Mostly because I hate putting them all away. But sadly I don't even have my tree up yet. Now that is bad. I need to get it out and soon or I'm going to have some very disappointed kids.
Love,
Your Best Friend
Today at church we had a lesson about the true meaning of the Sabbath Day. I enjoyed it very much and can always use a reminder that today is a special day for rest and the Lord. I came away with a renewed feeling of giving myself a break on Sunday and allowing time to strengthen my relationship with God. I do fairly good at it usually but there is always room for improvement.
When we got home from church, my husband announced that he was going to the store to buy nails.... I just don't get it. It's like we didn't even attend the same meeting. Just another way that we are so totally incompatible.
I'm listening to a Christmas cd you made for me many years ago. The mix of different styles is so great. Just exactly the kind of mix I love. Sometimes I think I'm a little weird for loving music of many different styles and I kind of wish there was a radio station that would play that kind of huge range. It would be so cool to hear Sinatra, then Rascal Flatts, followed with Madona and then Black Eyed Peas. lol I'm not sure if there are enough people out there who would appreciate that, but it would be my favorite station!
I also realize you added a country Christmas song to the cd which had to have killed you, since I know how much you HATE country. But sure does show me how much attention you put into the cd. I wish I had better appreciated it back then. Live and learn I guess.
Did you decorate your house to the hilt this year? I know how much you love to go all out at Christmas. I don't have many decorations out. Mostly because I hate putting them all away. But sadly I don't even have my tree up yet. Now that is bad. I need to get it out and soon or I'm going to have some very disappointed kids.
Love,
Your Best Friend
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