Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Visit and Some Vents

Dear Best Friend,

We visited with my oldest today.  He didn't say much and when he did answer questions it was a one word, yes or no.  I think I'm used to it but the middle son had a very hard time with the whole thing.  He left saying that he doesn't understand why I would even want him to visit with his brother when his brother hates him.  I feel really terrible that I ended up hurting my middle son more than I think I helped the oldest.  It sort of defeated the whole purpose of the visit.

Tonight I can't sleep.  This new treatment center requires me to fill out a 47 page packet plus they want copies of all kinds of documents and forms.  It's kind of stressful having to go through all of these papers, sign them, make copies of things...  I also need to pack most of my son's clothing and I believe I will need to buy him a few things as well.  I don't really like signing away my child and packing him up to leave, again. It really gets to me.

Then tonight while I was looking for some forms, my husband decided to go to bed (it was 8:30) and turned out all of the lights.  I had no idea what was going on, all I knew was that when I came out of our closet it was dark.  I said "Hey, what happened?  I can't see anything."  His response: "Now you know what it's like when I am getting ready every morning."  I thought that was a crappy thing to say.  I'm already stressed enough.  I don't get why that was the time to teach me a lesson or why it's even a lesson I need to learn.  I ended up angry and frustrated and I think he went to sleep in one of the kid's rooms.  It's so stupid.

So, as usual, I'm doing everything alone.  I wonder constantly if it would be the same situation if he were the biological father of my children or if all men are like this.  It's a stupid thing to think about actually. I'm married to him and I'm planning to stay married to him.  He's an old dog and he's not even a little interested in new tricks.  He just is who he is.  I've been independent for a long time when it comes to emotional issues and I know I can get through this time as well.

I do miss talking to you though.  I miss having your feedback and I'm not even sure what you would say to me about all of this stuff.  It's been too long for me to be able to predict your advice anymore.  I wish I knew.  It might help me to settle my mind and get some sleep.

Love, Your Best Friend

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