Friday, January 28, 2011

Preschool's Got Me Hopping

Dear Best Friend,

I have been crazy, super duper busy these days.  It's that time of year when parents start looking for preschools for next year (ya why so early? I don't know either) which means my phone has been ringing off the hook.  I'm very pleased to have interest in what was my little preschool and am growing it into something I never really imagined.  Most every day I finish teaching and then potential students start coming to check out my classroom and to meet with me.  Today I had 3 different people come!  That is a record for one day.

I am also hiring an assistant to help with my largest class and she came to work with me today.  She was terrific with the kids and I'm excited for us to be working together.  We are decorating a second room in my house for her class.  Just one more thing on my plate which needs my immediate attention.

I've had my two youngest kids home running fevers as well.  My baby boy was crying and crying today because I was giving all of my attention to the preschool and not him. :(  When the kids are sick they have to stay upstairs until preschool is out so they don't spread germs which was especially hard on my baby boy today.  I think their fevers make them a little bit emotional.

We received a phone call from the place my oldest son is in and they think he will be coming home in a few weeks.  It's a bitter sweet feeling.  On one hand I am happy to hear he is doing well.  I went to visit him last Monday and we had a terrific time together.  He sounds happy when I talk to him on the phone.  He's been trying really hard to do well in school and to follow the rules.  This is the best I've heard him sound in a long time which does give me hope that he is on the mend.  On the other hand I am very scared for him to come home.  I just can't shake my fear of him being back home and having another break down.  The person I need to protect him from the most, is himself and there is no way for me to do that.

My mind seems to be on over drive with all the preschool activity, my two kids at home, worrying about my oldest and all of the other parts of life that make me a woman, wife and mother.  I am having a hard time sleeping, which is why I am up so late now.  It's interesting how exhausted I can be and yet I still can't sleep.

Love, Your Best Friend

Monday, January 10, 2011

Super Busy

Dear Best Friend,

My week is starting off well and very busy.  Yesterday we had SNOW!  Like 3-4 inches which is amazing for Texas.  It's been cold enough that it's stayed and I suspect it will be here for another day or so.

The snow, meant ice in the morning, and school was delayed for 2 hours.  I'm glad it wasn't canceled because I was looking forward to teaching preschool today.  Instead I started preschool a little late as well and all worked out fine.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Preschool was great today.  I'm glad I divided my class.  I've had a lot more interest in the preschool since I have added another class and I feel like I'm doing a better job with the needs of the children as well.  I'm very happy with it all so far.

Talked to my oldest son today and he sounded like he was happy and doing okay.  He's back in school and enjoying that and he's also reading a lot.  Tomorrow we have our first family therapy session and I think it will go well.

So, it's late and I'm off to bed.  But that's life in a nutshell lately.

-Your Best Friend

Saturday, January 8, 2011

A Little Bit of Random

Dear Best Friend,

Yesterday morning I got my errands all done as early as I possibly could.  I knew if I didn't get up and get going I would wind up sitting at home and not wanting to do anything.  When I came home I finished folding the laundry and the last thing I took upstairs were towels from the kids' bathroom.  That place was so nasty dirty and I decided to give it a good cleaning.  Just as I was finishing by taking the trash out, someone rang my doorbell.

My initial thought was that it was a potential preschool parent and I froze.  I looked like I just cleaned a bathroom.  Well, obviously.  However, it was my good friend, so I opened the door.  She asked me if I was busy, which I wasn't, and said that she was taking me out to lunch!  Wow!  She looked totally cute though and me, not so much.  But of course she didn't care about that.  It was only me feeling a little self conscience.  I got over the initial feeling of not looking like I would want to look and we had a great time out together.

Last night my boys went to their dad's house so hubby and I were home alone.  We did nothing romantic at all to celebrate our freedom.  No, we finished fixing the air conditioner.  But now it's done!

We also watched Knight and Day.  Very cute movie.

Remember when I told you about stepdaughter missing curfew?  Well, she did it again last night, darn it.  I had hoped she learned better the first time.

I finally talked to my oldest today.  He says he is not sleeping very well but otherwise he is okay.  He was talking quite a bit and told me about school and some of the things that they do there, like playing chess.  I think he's having an okay time, even though I know he would rather be home.  He also said that he hasn't talked to his therapist yet.  That causes me some concern.  I didn't send him to boarding school, I sent him to talk about his issues and figure out a way to cope with life.  I hope that they get going on that soon, otherwise it's a huge waste of time.  Again.

The second class I am starting for preschool is already full.  I only have one spot left, which I'm thrilled about!  I'm really excited about the idea of having two full classes next year.  That would be sooo great!

Take care!

-Your Best Friend

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Steps and their Dad

Dear Best Friend,

My husband is supposed to see his kids on Wednesdays and every other weekend.  I guess you probably know that already but those details are important for what I'm going to say here.  So, yesterday he came home and said "I talked to stepdaughter today and she isn't coming because of homework."  I've heard that excuse a zillion times and said something similar to him, only a little nicer.  Then he said "And I also talked to stepson".  To which I replied "Great".  Now, he honestly seemed excited about it but I think it's pathetic that at this point in his life, his kids are such a royal pain in the butt, that just seeing them for 5 minutes is a major deal.  I want to be excited for him right back but I don't seem to be able to muster the enthusiasm he is looking for.

On the other hand, it's not like Wednesday night and every other weekend is very much time to be with their dad.  We live only a few miles away and being that they are teenagers they have plenty of access to their friends when they are here.  My husband is supportive of them going to the mall, the movies or whatever during the time they are here as well.  So in reality if they come over for a weekend it equals about 4 hours of actual time with him and some of that is spent eating meals.  That doesn't seem like too much to ask of them and yet they constantly come up with stupid excuses not to be here.

Again, I know he wants me to feel excited for him when they actually pay him a little bit of attention but what I feel is annoyance.  I hate to see him being stepped on.  They should appreciate all that he does for them.  Granted their mom, whom they think hangs the moon every night, buys them everything in the world and spoils them both rotten, sometimes I feel literally, but he's the one who pays an arm and a leg in child support so she can and he's also the one who saves money for their college.  My ex-husband hasn't paid child support in over 2 years, nor medical or anything else.  My kids even bring clothes to wear when they go over to his house because they don't have anything there that fits them anymore.  I see all that my husband does for the steps as an act of love because apparently not all men would do the same.  *sigh*

So, next time I'm going to try and be a bit more enthusiastic for my man.  He does deserve to have someone who is willing to give him more than the time of day.


Your Best Friend

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Visit and Some Vents

Dear Best Friend,

We visited with my oldest today.  He didn't say much and when he did answer questions it was a one word, yes or no.  I think I'm used to it but the middle son had a very hard time with the whole thing.  He left saying that he doesn't understand why I would even want him to visit with his brother when his brother hates him.  I feel really terrible that I ended up hurting my middle son more than I think I helped the oldest.  It sort of defeated the whole purpose of the visit.

Tonight I can't sleep.  This new treatment center requires me to fill out a 47 page packet plus they want copies of all kinds of documents and forms.  It's kind of stressful having to go through all of these papers, sign them, make copies of things...  I also need to pack most of my son's clothing and I believe I will need to buy him a few things as well.  I don't really like signing away my child and packing him up to leave, again. It really gets to me.

Then tonight while I was looking for some forms, my husband decided to go to bed (it was 8:30) and turned out all of the lights.  I had no idea what was going on, all I knew was that when I came out of our closet it was dark.  I said "Hey, what happened?  I can't see anything."  His response: "Now you know what it's like when I am getting ready every morning."  I thought that was a crappy thing to say.  I'm already stressed enough.  I don't get why that was the time to teach me a lesson or why it's even a lesson I need to learn.  I ended up angry and frustrated and I think he went to sleep in one of the kid's rooms.  It's so stupid.

So, as usual, I'm doing everything alone.  I wonder constantly if it would be the same situation if he were the biological father of my children or if all men are like this.  It's a stupid thing to think about actually. I'm married to him and I'm planning to stay married to him.  He's an old dog and he's not even a little interested in new tricks.  He just is who he is.  I've been independent for a long time when it comes to emotional issues and I know I can get through this time as well.

I do miss talking to you though.  I miss having your feedback and I'm not even sure what you would say to me about all of this stuff.  It's been too long for me to be able to predict your advice anymore.  I wish I knew.  It might help me to settle my mind and get some sleep.

Love, Your Best Friend

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Decision is Made

Dear Best Friend,

Yesterday it was decided that my oldest son will be going to a new residential treatment center on Wednesday.  The center offers transportation and will be picking him up.  I should be sad about it and maybe on some levels I am, as I certainly am sad we are in this position at all and about the circumstances that lead to it, but I actually feel relieved.  The not knowing what to do and weighing of options almost constantly, was just wearing me down.  After all was said and done yesterday, I felt so much of that weight lifted from my shoulders, and dare I say it, I actually felt happy.

I haven't talk to my son in a few days.  I've called many times but he's never called back.  I think he's still mad at me for not standing up to the doctors and giving him what he wants.  I tried to explain to him that if I push the medical team, they will take us to court and I will not longer have any choices regarding his care.  It doesn't make sense to reason with someone who doesn't understand reason, but I tried it anyway.  He ended up hanging up on me and that was the last we spoke.  I'd like to visit him today with the other kids before he leaves tomorrow.  I'd like for him to hear that I do love him with all of my heart and I only want what is best for him, even if that means him not being home with me.  It's not the life I want for him either, but again, he just doesn't really get it.  He thinks of this as a punishment, instead of the opportunity to get healthy.

On a happier note, preschool was terrific today.  As I expected, the kids loved the dinosaur theme and they especially enjoyed digging up the dinosaur eggs.  One of the kids said "that was awesome".  Yeah!

I also had a mom come to visit the preschool today and she seemed really interested in signing up.  She specifically asked about starting on Thursday, and many other questions that leads me to believe that she is serious about it.

We bought a new car yesterday.  We have no money whatsoever to afford a new car either, but our 2002 is seriously falling apart and I have been worried that it would completely die leaving us in a bad position.  We actually leased it, so the payments are lower and I think with another preschool registration we are looking okay for making the payments without too much struggle.  Anyway, we bought a Honda Civic LX and traded in the 2002.  So,we have two working vehicles right now which is one less worry.

Hope you are having a great week.  I still miss talking to you.

Love, Your Best Friend

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Church Today

Dear Best Friend,

I am still attending church every Sunday.  I wish you were but I understand everyone makes their own decisions about religion.  Still, because we had the same religious upbringing I'm going to write about this anyway.

I typically love attending church and I did enjoy today on some levels but I can't seem to tap into my spiritual side.  I enjoyed hearing the testimonies of the members of my ward and our Relief Society lesson was really good.  We talked about the "big rocks" in our lives and how putting those things first allows us to make room for all of the other things we want and need to do.  Some of those big rocks are reading our scriptures, saying prayers, spending quality time with family, forgiving others and repenting.  It was a great reminder for me.  I had been doing all of those things before my son got sick but I have neglected them for several months and I can really feel the difference.  I'm hoping to place more focus on those things starting today.  In fact I already got out my scriptures and read a chapter.  I need the strength to get through this time and I know that it will come if I change my focus to those "big rocks".

-Your Best Friend